Asteroid doomsday, aka Armageddon, 2036: for sure say Russians, maybe not says NASA

The asteroid Apophis, were it to hit the Earth in 2036, would explode with the force of more than half the weapons in the United States nuclear arsenal. That would be bad. True to form, though, the old Cold War enemies are in disagreement about the dangers.

Here at the Daily Maverick we seem to have developed a fascination with the End of the World. Perhaps we doth protest too much, but we’d just like to point out that it’s not because we’re naturally apocalyptic. Our apparent propensity to run doomsday stories, if you’ll indulge us, is simply because our editor knows a good news lead when he sees one. His instincts have been proven correct by the retweets and comments we get on such articles, by the fact that the writer of this piece was personally warned to start repenting by a sect that’s pegged judgment day as May 21st, 2011, and by the fact that you’re still with us at the tail-end of this 130-word opening paragraph.

From all the doomsday predictions we’ve covered thus far, though – including the abovementioned 2011/05/21 sect, the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, which argues for 2012/12/21, and the History Channel, which argues for just about any date that hasn’t yet passed into history (which makes you wonder about the channel’s name) – the one that seems the most statistically probable to us is 2036/04/13.

That’s when the asteroid Apophis, a 300-metre-diameter chunk of rock, terribly inconveniently named after the Egyptian god of "uncreation", has a one-in-four-million chance of hitting Earth.

Wait! Don’t click out yet! The reason we’re running this story is that Apophis initially had a 2.7 percent chance of hitting Earth, on April 13th 2029. Using updated information, though, NASA scientists recently recalculated the path of the large asteroid, and decided that the refined data indicated a much-reduced likelihood of a hazardous encounter with our planet on the same date in 2036.

Numerologists, cult members and History Channel staffers will have noticed by now that the gap between these two dates is seven years, a very significant number (days of the week, oceans on Earth, continents on Earth, days it took God to create the world including Her rest-day, etc). We encourage you to reach your own conclusions on that score, really we do. As logical-positivist newsmen, what’s important to us is that on April 13th 2029 we’re still going to see a record-setting close encounter with a lethal asteroid – Apophis, say the updated NASA stats, is then going to approach within 18,300 miles of our planet – and that on April 13th 2036 many of us might perish in a cataclysmic collision – the chances, remote as they may be, are nevertheless slightly greater than you being struck by lightning, and much greater than a monkey at a keyboard typing out the complete works of Nostradamus. Or was it Shakespeare?

The Russians, who by default don’t believe in NASA’s stats, aren’t about to take any undue risks. * The Russian Federal Space Agency is considering the funding of a project to deflect the 880-megaton asteroid, and aside from one small problem, there’s every reason to take them seriously. Anatoly Perminov, the agency’s head, held a news conference in late December 2009 in which he stated that the asteroid “will surely collide with the Earth in the 2030s,” and that he’d heard this information from a scientist.

“We should pay several hundred million dollars and build a system that would ... prevent a collision, rather than sit and wait for it to happen and kill hundreds of thousands of people."

The one small problem? Perminov refused to name his lone scientist. Ah, well.

By Kevin Bloom

Read more:  NASA, Wired, New York Daily News, CNN

* (To be fair to Russians, Nasa did miss Mars by several million miles in 1999, when it lost a $125 million Mars orbiter. As it happened, a Lockheed Martin engineering team used English units of measurement while the NASA team used the internationally accepted metric system. Perhaps not always good to use the lowest-bidding suppliers. - Ed.)

Saturday 30 January, 2010
 
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well, if the asteroid actually does come too close for comfort, at least we will finally have something to do usefully with all those nuclear weapons - american, russian, british, french, chinese, indian, pakistani, israeli, iranian, north korean.... and morgan freeman will get another chance to play the u.s. president?

of course, this end of the world thing is not unique to our times or places. flash back to 1844 when the 'millerites' in upstate new york accepted a precise calculation for the end of the earth when their leader/prophet told them to sell everything, wear white clothes and gather on a particular mountain top to await the call to heaven. well, as you can imagine, the morning of the end of things came and went. undeterred, the hardy bunch gathered again next year at the same place when their leader announced he had gotten the day wrong by 366 days. forgot to carry the 2 over to the tens column or something.... oops. same thing happens again. still undeterred, they agree that the end of things was just metaphorical not tangible.

here in south africa we had the great cattle killing 150 years ago or so - although i cannot recall the precise date. same problem, if i remember right. two guesses to get it right and still the end of things never quite managed to arrive....

now, here you are, scoffing at nasa for messing up on the mars probe with a fatal confusion over metric/english measurements. i'll just bet you never tried to buy parts for a classic foreign sports car in some place with a different measuring system in use.

well, what happens if the maya long count didn't get the end of things just right because of a rounding error, or did the maya have better calculators than we do now?

i don't even want to go the other way with the good bishop of usher who managed to count all the birthdays in genesis to calibrate, right down to the time of day, the beginning of things.

i guess that as people we are just fatally fascinated over beginninigs and endings - which may be why we end up asking, once we start talking about the original big bang and the start of the universe, 'ok, you bright boys, what was there BEFORE the original big bang? are you really telling us that all this came from absolutely nothing?'

i don't plan to stand on a mountain top in 2012, even if the current film tells me i better...

John Glenn was once asked what thoughts ran through his mind while he sat in the Command Module of Apollo Eleventeen. His response: "It is very comforting to know that everything below you has been supplied by the low cost bidder".

On the question of firing missiles at the rock - repeat after me - NO NO NO.

The objective of blowing one big rock into squillions of untrackable littler rocks that will still ruin Mrs McGlumphit's candelit supper if they land on her roof is not a good plan. Especially for Mrs McGlumphit and her guests.

The other prospect of a Bruce Willis look-alike using a GT Turbo version of the space shuttle (presumably with go-faster stripes on the sides) to steer the rock round the Earth with carefully directed little nuclear blasts is about as likely as someone being absolved of ever paying tax again.

One thing is sure, when the apocalypse comes, there will be people running around shouting "TOLD YOU SO", a bunch of politicans heading for bunkers ready to tax the aftermath, and most people using the last five minutes to have a good solid bonk with whoever or whatever is next to them. I'd have enough time left over to boil an egg.